But God

This past week has been really hard for me. Until Tuesday I think in the back of my head I really believed that God would show up in tights and a cape, be my super hero and “save the day”, or come with a magical wand and say “bibbity bobbity boo” and poof a new kidney would appear. I mean surely God did not intend for my son and my husband to have to go through all this pain. He obviously has all power in His hands and is able to just say the Word and it happen.

When we met with the transplant surgeon on Tuesday, though, and the transplant coordinator gave me his lab numbers I knew we had to do this. Tuesday evening was spent crying uncontrollably to the point that I got extremely sick to my stomach and did not even get to really say good-bye to my husband when we dropped him off at the hospital on Wednesday morning.

From last May forward, my faith has been challenged, I have questioned my faith, and really the depth of it. I prayed and prayed to no avail for Andy’s healing. Surely God is the same today as He is in the Bible. I felt that I must have so much doubt and that’s the reason Andy and Larry had to go through this.

I even started questioning whether or not I am truly saved. Like I wrote in the last blog a lot of confession had to occur before “entering in the sanctuary of God.” You see in my lifetime I have had several major “storms” in my life. Each of these challenged me and through them I always come to this fork in the road. Do I take the right WAY or do I just walk away? This time has been the toughest because doubt had begun to overwhelm me.

I had to stop and take an evaluation of my entire life and see how I really got through the former storms. My marriage was pretty much destroyed BUT GOD. My finances were a mess BUT GOD. My son was told he would die young BUT GOD. And the list goes on and on and on.

The only factor in these former situations that were common was BUT GOD. So I still sit here wondering why this way of healing instead of “supernatural.” I am reminded once again of “My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts.” I also read something the other day that challenged me greatly..."Am I in love with God or with what He can give me?" OUCH!!! or this..."Even though I glimpse God's holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not me at all." Talk about some hard core looking deep into myself to see if my life fully reflects who He is or just using Him for convenience.

I sure hope the longer I am here the more this all makes full sense. BUT GOD will get me through this.

***quotes taken from the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan***